my father dies of a drug overdose, I do not cry. Months later I read his suicide note to me. It reads; “you look beautiful.”
I lay on my bed motionless as I replay in my head the past five years of my life and realizing now that I am not who I thought I was
My dad packs his things in the middle of the night. He hasn’t spoken to me for weeks… I can’t remember the last thing he said to me. I want to leave my room and say goodbye, but I am frozen
I took 27 sleeping pills and hoped they wouldn’t wake me up in the morning
My mother is breaking down, my brother is breaking walls with his fist, my sister is breaking teeth on her words and I am breaking my own heart
I am selling my clothes and mowing lawns and sneaking money into my moms’ wallet and sock drawer
My brother moved out and my sister is mentally checked out and I am out of strength and ideas and mom doesn’t come out of her room anymore
I can’t look at myself in the mirror anymore
My 8th grade English teacher asks me why I have bruises on my face and I feel my blood turn to ice but I do not dare tell
I come home from school to find my dad passed out covered in his own vomit, I scream his name and with tears streaming down my face shake him until he regains consciousness, then beats me until our positions are reversed
I hold my mom in her bed as she cries, and now even though I understand why, I can not cry.
My dad tells me this is all my fault and that “sorry” isn’t good enough and I understand that actions speak louder than words but how am I supposed to show him I love him when I’m always stuck cleaning up his messes before mom gets home and cook dinner as if I haven’t lost my appetite
I’m failing my 7th-grade art class because I can no longer keep my mind focused enough to keep my coloring inside the lines
Dad doesn’t say hi to me when he comes home anymore… Sometimes I dress up, but he hardly looks at me – how am I supposed to feel beautiful when no one is there to tell me I am
Moms been crying a lot lately and I don’t understand why, but I go into her room and hold her anyway. I wonder where dad is… Isn’t it his job to do this sort of thing?
We don’t go to movies anymore
We had to move to a smaller house because daddy lost his job, but it’s okay because mommy said that change is good
I see my daddy drinking something that smells gross. I’m not supposed to touch it, or tell mommy that daddy has it. Maybe it’s a present for her birthday
We still go to movies, but I’m getting too old to dress up. He stopped making his stupid jokes and side comments that I hated so much… but I missed them. – I guess he’s getting too old for them, too.
Me and daddy go on this thingy called Daddy-Daughter Dates, and Saturday after he comes home from work – My mom dresses me up and curls my hair and I get to wear my black shoes with heels that made me feel like a movie star. He always stands at the bottom of the staircase with a big smile, and picks me up and spin me around and tell me how pretty I am. He the only boy that I don’t think is icky, he makes me feel b-e-a-U-tiful. But I don’t tell him that.
My daddy comes to my third-grade class and does magic tricks, my friends tell me he is the coolest dad ever and I tell them I know that already
Daddy hangs all the pictures I color him in his office on the walls!
I love to color.
Daddy teaches seminary
My daddy helps anyone he can! Even with strangers! He’s the coolest dad ever!
My dad comes home from work and kisses my mom on the mouth, I cover my eyes but they don’t care about cooties. I sit at the counter and watch them dance in the kitchen, and I draw and laugh with them
I want to be like my daddy when I grow up.